


everything

by beatboxbmo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, ushi doesnt handle his feelings v well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8584798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatboxbmo/pseuds/beatboxbmo
Summary: "One for yes, two for no: was it the dog dream again?"Ushijima blinks twice."Mm. Was it about the party in two weeks?"No."Parents?"No.His next question is almost hesitant, like it's the last thing he wants to ask. "Me?"Yes.





	

The sensations are familiar.

The touches, the breaths, the smells. He knows these fingers, knows how soft and gentle they are as they caress his cheek, as a pointer trails along his jawline before moving down his neck. He knows when to anticipate the nose bump, the clashing of teeth, the biting of the lip. There's sweet sweat mixed in with the faint odor of toothpaste.

Ushijima knows all of this, has memorized all the feelings and thoughts put into the actions. His actions and Tooru's. He knows what to anticipate, knows when to surprise, knows how to accept. Everything he and Tooru do to one another is as familiar as breathing, as being alive. He could never fake or forget these feelings.

"Ushiwaka?"

The name calls from across the room. Ushijima doesn't understand how Tooru can be in two places at once, doesn't understand how he can be with Tooru yet not.

There's an urging in the back of his mind that this is new, different--dangerous. He pulls back from the lithe body under him, propping himself up on his arms to get a good glimpse at his partner, expecting to see Tooru's hazel eyes staring up at him, shining even in the dimness of the room.

But the face he sees isn't familiar. The leer sends a shiver down Ushijima's spine, and he finds himself jerking away, scrambling towards the edge of the bed to get as far away as possible. His legs tangle in the sheets and he falls to the floor before he's able to right himself, able to take in the complete form of the stranger lying in his bed, and yet--none of his features sink in. There's the body, the length from head to toe half covered in sheets, showing tanned, toned skin, but no discernable marks. One arm is thrown above the head, hiding the hair. The eyes are dark as they glare up at him, but he can't make out their true color. The only other feature he is able to make out is the disgusting gaping grin.

_This can't be happening again._

Needle pricks flow up his arms and across his chest--the first sign--and his skin burns from where it touched the stranger's. Then there's a bruising grip on his shoulder, spinning him around. _Now_ he is face to face with Tooru, but he wishes he wasn't.

The look of anger and anguish on Tooru's face has Ushijima's heart breaking.

Before he can open his mouth to try to defend himself that it's not what it seems, that it's not real, that Ushijima _would never_ , Tooru's open palm hits Ushijima's cheek, sending his head flying to the side. The slap seems to echo in the room, yet Ushijima doesn't feel any pain.

Cement starts to fill Ushijima's chest, immobilizing him. He can't let this happen, not this.

"How could you?"

He can hear the tears in Tooru's voice before seeing them. They're streaming down his cheeks, and his eyes are filled with such hatred that the cement in his chest cracks at the heat.

" _How could you?_ " he repeats more vehemently.

Cotton fills his mouth, but Ushijima attempts to speak around it. He _has_ to. He can't let this come between them. "It's not what it looks like--"

 _Wrong._ Rage flashes in Tooru's gaze. His arms are pulling back in another attempt to strike Ushijima, his lips parting to shout something.

"It doesn't mean anything--" Ushijima tries. It's still the wrong answer, but Tooru is hitting him, balled fists striking his concrete chest. He doesn't even feel them. Tooru's wordless screams wash over him.

"Do I mean anything to you?!" He shouts. There's disturbing laughter from behind them, faded and echo-y like it's not really there. It doesn't matter. His chest is cracking with every hit, but his body still doesn't shudder, still doesn't feel the blows. This hasn't happened in so long he almost forgot how it went. The addition of Tooru actually being here though has thrown everything off kilter. He's never dealt with this before.

If he was wearing a shirt, Ushijima is sure Tooru would ball his hands in the material, clinging onto it like an anchor. As it is, Tooru's fists just rest against his cold skin when he finally settles.

"Why? Why am I not good enough for you?"

"You are," Ushijima whispers. His voice cracks. He usually doesn't speak in these situations. They play out while he stands motionless, unable to do anything but watch and realize. "You're everything."

"Then why do you do this to me? You have to hate me to do this Ushiwaka. I don't understand. You have to hate me."

Ushijima's arms start to shake with the effort it takes to move them. He has to fix this. He can't let Tooru think these things, can't let this play out any longer. His arms ache, but he's making progress. Tooru is slumped against him, and soon enough Ushijima is able to wrap his arms lightly around the other's waist.

"You're everything," he repeats, his voice rough and shaky. It hurts to speak, almost as if the cotton has turned into sandpaper. "I swear this doesn't mean anything."

Tooru pulls away slowly, his head lowered, and when he speaks, it's as if Ushijima never said anything. "I'm never going to be good enough, am I? You're--you're out of my reach. You're always going to want someone better, someone not damaged, like me. I'm damaged goods." he laughs bitterly, and finally lifts a hand to wipe at his face. For once, his cheeks aren't splotchy and his nose isn't running. It's the best--yet worst--Ushijima has seen Tooru look while crying. It's unlike him. He doesn't look at Ushijima as he starts to step away from him. Panic fills the cracks in Ushijima's chest at the retreating figure. His arms start to shake again. "I'm nothing to you, right? I'm--I'm nothing. Trash. That's what I am."

_No!_

His mouth is open but the word doesn't come out. He can only watch with wide eyes as Tooru heads towards the door, his body turning away from Ushijima. "Nothing matters anymore. You don't love me so nothing matters. I don't matter. I don't matter."

There's more laughter, more disgusting, horrible laughter, but this time it's from Tooru. As Ushijima's vision blurs with tears, the concrete in his chest cracks more with every sound reverberating around them. His tears leave scorch marks down his cheeks, his arms vibrate with the intensity it takes to move them, his feet feel like they're digging into the wooden floorboards beneath him.

Tooru continues to ramble nonsense, and just as Ushijima manages to take that first step, the door is opening. Tooru doesn't even spare a glance before he's out and closing it behind him.

The world falls away when it clicks shut.

-x-x-x-

The sensations are familiar.

The tightness in his chest, the inability to move, the dread wrapped tightly around his throat. He soaks it all in, knowing all he can do is wait for it to eventually pass. It usually takes a few minutes, until feeling returns to his fingers first, then his toes. His arms would gain their mobility next and soon he'd push himself into a sitting position to rub feeling back into the rest of his body. It's something he's dealt with since he was a child, but it hasn't happened in quite awhile. He hasn't missed it.

But then another feeling makes itself known, and Ushijima realizes that there's an unfamiliar weight draped over his chest.

He starts to breath faster, wondering if maybe his dream wasn't actually a dream. He can't remember the night before, doesn't know if he actually cheated or if maybe the weight is just a pillow placed coincidentally. All he can think of is the stricken look on Tooru's face as he cried, as he screamed. He'd do anything to never see such a look again. His heart pounds against his ribs at the thought of causing the one he loves the most such pain.

He tries to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth in an attempt to settle himself. The room smells like Tooru's perfume, something sweet and fruity that tends to stick to Ushijima's tongue afterwards. He hopes that the weight crushing his chest belongs to Tooru, but after what he dreamt--remembered?--he's not so sure.

Maybe he did bring someone home. Maybe, maybe he needed a change. Maybe he just needed to try something--someone--different.

 _Disgusting_. If he could spit the word, he would. The dread wrapped around his throat lessens, but guilt starts to solidify in his stomach. How could he do this? He loves Tooru. Tooru is the most important person in the world to Ushijima. There's no understandable reason why he would ever try to hurt the other man. Besides, _no one_ should ever be hurt in such a way. The guilt and disgust churns in his stomach, both settling and sloshing around until it feels like he's going to be physically sick. But if that happened now, he's throw up all over himself, probably choke on his own bile.

He would deserve it, if his dream was actually reality. He would deserve to choke on puke and die like the worthless scum he is. He doesn't deserve Tooru. How could he be so foolish to believe that he could ever be happy with such a wonderful person? Ushijima might as well be gutter trash, and Tooru, oh _Tooru_. He's the sun. Breathtaking, unattainable, magnificent in all his blazing glory. Ushijima is an idiot to think he ever had a chance.

His lungs start to protest at how rapidly he's breathing, and for a moment the weight holding him tightens around him. Part of him realizes that it's not a pillow then, it's an actual arm, and he starts to panic even more.

_It happened. It's real how could I do such a thing? I don't deserve forgiveness I don't--_

"Ushiwakaaa, are you dreaming about being a dog again?"

The voice is gruff and almost inaudible, like the speaker is lying face down in a pillow. But Ushijima would recognize it anywhere.

The cold relief is so intense Ushijima feels tears prick his eyes and a sob bubble in his throat.

Beside him, there's huffing and muttered groans as the body shifts until Tooru is positioned to look at Ushijima, his head still half buried in the pillow. With his body still immobilized, Ushijima can just barely get a glimpse out of the corner of his eye of Tooru's face peeking at him. He doesn't need sunlight to sense Tooru's concern.

"Ushiwaka?"

Tooru pushes himself up to look at Ushijima's face fully. He must see something, because the confusion gives way to understanding with an open mouth.

He nods, then positions himself so he's lying right up against Ushijima's body, his face burrowed into his shoulder and one of his legs thrown over Ushijima's, effectively wrapping himself around the paralyzed man.

"I can wait."

He wishes he could properly appreciate their layout. Usually, he would love nothing more than to cuddle with Tooru. He normally doesn't because he claims Ushijima is too warm to cuddle and he hates being warm, hates sweating. But in moments like this, when Tooru knows how vulnerable Ushijima is, he succumbs to being pressed flush against Ushijima, knowing the patient contact is soothing.

They lie like that for the next few minutes, silent and unmoving. He's almost sure Tooru has fallen asleep again until he sighs and props his chin on Ushijima's shoulder.

"One for yes, two for no: was it the dog dream again?"

Ushijima blinks twice.

"Mm. Was it about the party in two weeks?"

No.

"Parents?"

No.

His next question is almost hesitant, like it's the last thing he wants to ask. "Me?"

Yes.

He inhales sharply before pulling away from Ushijima. By now, he can feel his arms again, can even shift his legs a bit. He thinks he could speak by now too.

Tooru sits up and stares down at Ushijima, a look of concern on his face. "Was it the bad one again?"

Ushijima's lips part, and after figuring out how his tongue moves and how to form the word, he manages a croaky, "Yes."

The concern deepens, but instead of saying anything, Tooru leans down and kisses Ushijima softly, once, twice. He pulls back and shifts until he's lying down again, his arms wrapped around Ushijima's bicep and face nestled against his shoulder. "Take your time."

He doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve Tooru's love or patience. He knows the nature of Ushijima's dreams, knows how they reoccur, knows Ushijima will eventually talk about them. But he shouldn't have to know. He shouldn't have to hear stories about Ushijima cheating on him, about him being with and _enjoying_ being with someone who isn't him. It's not right. And this time--this time it's worse.

He can feel his breathing quicken again at the idea of Tooru leaving him. He doesn't want it to happen, but understands how beneficial it would be for the other. No more drama, no more wondering if maybe dreams do come true. He wouldn't have to suffer anymore for Ushijima's sake. He could find someone else who would love Tooru unconditionally.

There's a gentle touch against his cheek, and his head is turned sideways until he's able to look at Tooru.

His lips are upturned in the softest of smiles, something he only reserves for when they're alone. It's a look Ushijima loves wholeheartedly.

"Hey, everything's okay. Nothing's wrong."

_He's so beautiful._

Tears prick Ushijima's eyes for the second time this morning. Shock flashes across Tooru's face.

"It was different this time," he manages, licking his lips to try to lessen the rasp. He can move his head freely now, can even lift an arm and dig his fingers into his eyes to block out Tooru's expressions. "You were there. You're never there but you were."

Tooru is never there in his dreams. They always start the same, with him lying in bed with a faceless stranger, someone who he thinks he should recognize but doesn't. Actions play out, all the while he thinks he's with Tooru. Ushijima's name is whispered and shouted, and he calls out for Tooru as well, and it's only after their climaxes that he manages to focus on his partner and realize it's not his lover.

There's shock and anger, followed by hatred towards himself. _Revulsion_ that he is with someone he doesn't love, doesn't even know. He pulls away but then the stranger is taunting him, and as the words grow more powerful, his body becomes heavy. He fills with cement and can do nothing but watch and listen as the stranger criticizes their love-making, says they're a much better partner than Tooru, that Ushijima should be _grateful_ that he found someone like them.

He's beaten down with the idea that Tooru is nothing, that Ushijima could find anyone better, and before he wakes, he almost believes it.

His hand is being pulled away from his face. His vision is blurry with tears as he stares up at Tooru, who's own eyes seems glassy as they look at one another.

"You found out--" Ushijima says, hiccupping through the tears, "and you were so _angry_. The things you said about yourself they, they had my heart breaking. And then you were leaving. You left me. And I could do nothing."

Tooru just stares at him for a moment, a pained look on his face. It has Ushijima's heart cracking again, knowing he's causing his partner such stress.

_You don't deserve Tooru._

And then his expression turns stern, and he glares down at Ushijima. _This is it,_ he thinks, _he's going to leave you. You deserve this._

"Why would I go and do a dumb thing like that?"

"Wha--?"

" _Honestly_ , Wakatoshi." Ushijima's breath catches at hearing his first name. It's a rare treat whenever Tooru calls him that, though he finds the setting for it wrong. "I'm sorry, but it's a little annoying that you're still having these dreams. We're getting married! Nothing is gonna change how much I love you. And I know you love me just as much."

"But Tooru--"

"Shush!" Tooru waves his hand around wildly, and the stern expression on his face morphs into one of pure determination. He moves to straddle Ushijima's waist, using his height to tower over the other man and assert himself. Automatically, Ushijima's hands fly to Tooru's thighs to hold him in place. He could probably push Tooru off, but doesn't. He knows the other is doing this purposefully. "I know you would never do such a thing. I _know_ you, Wakatoshi. You're not like that. And I know how much I mean to you and that's never going to change. _Nothing_ will change the way we feel about each other. Sure, maybe sometimes you're a little too thick-headed and stubborn and blunt and the way you snore keeps me up at night, and just _maybe_ I'm a little tired of your udon soup because it's too plain, but I still eat it every time because it's your favorite thing. You love animals and I know you keep having that dog dream because you want one--which still isn't happening--and if you weren't madly in love with volleyball you would have become a vet. But also if you weren't madly in love with volleyball we never would have met and maybe that would have been better because then we wouldn't be having this debate on how much we love each other."

Tooru has to stop to breathe, having not once paused during his speech.

"You can't predict the future, Tooru."

A fist thumps down on his chest as Tooru shouts angrily, "Do you want me to leave?! Are you _trying_ to push me away? Is that it?"

"No--"

"Then why do you insist on this? Why do you think you'll end up cheating on me? If anything, it should be _me_ cheating on you!"

"You don't mean that," Ushijima manages to squeeze out. Tooru's thighs have tightened around his waist, and with the other's body weight pressing down on him coupled with his anxiety, he's finding it hard to breathe again.

Tooru's angry expression softens instantly. "You're right, I don't." he sighs and falls to the side of Ushijima; immediately Ushijima pushes himself into a sitting position, stretching his legs and toes while rubbing at his chest where Tooru hit him. A soft wave of relief washes over him at being able to move again.

"You wanna know why I'll never leave you?" Tooru asks. His face is half-hidden between bedsheets. His hair is mussed and fanned out behind him, brown curls looking unbelievably soft. Ushijima finds his hands itching to run through the tresses.

Ushijima just looks at Tooru, waiting. He's afraid of opening his mouth and ruining this moment again, of saying something that'll have Tooru changing his mind.

Sitting up, Tooru reaches over to cup Ushijima's cheeks, turning their faces towards one another. Ushijima's sight is filled with Tooru's lips; the skin is cracked, yet Ushijima knows from experience that doesn't change how soft they are.

"You make me feel safe," Tooru whispers, his warm breath ghosting over Ushijima's skin. "You make me feel like the most important person in the world, like I truly am a king. Every bone in my body knows how much you love me, and every bone in my body knows that that's never going to change."

Ushijima wants to retort, wants to deny that Tooru can't possibly be so sure of such a thing. But when he glances up and sees the steadfast loyalty in Tooru's gaze, he swallows his reply. They're so close their noses are almost touching. Ushijima wants to touch more.

He leans forward until their foreheads rest against each other. He reaches up to lay a hand over one of Tooru's, and places the other around Tooru's neck. The skin under his fingers is freezing, yet Ushijima feels as if he is being burned.

"It's a little too early for wedding vows."

There's a choked laugh from Tooru before he closes the distance to kiss him. Ushijima was right, Tooru's lips are soft. He bites at Tooru's lower lip, ignoring the feeling of cracked skin being caught between his teeth, and focuses instead on the way Tooru's tongue darts out to lick at Ushijima's mouth. One hand leaves his cheek and is wrapped around his neck, and soon the two are lying down again, side by side. Hands are roaming over bare chests, legs are entwining, and with every shared breath, Ushijima is starting to believe the things Tooru said. He's starting to feel loved again.

With every new action, Ushijima's chest starts to fill with a new weight. It roots him to the spot, but there's dread or guilt. He feels like he's _growing_ , like Tooru's words are bringing life to something new, something beautiful. He can feel Tooru's love and trust in every touch, every well-placed tender kiss. He's starting to believe in himself again, starting to believe in _them_. He was foolish to think that anything could come between them. They've been together for a few years now, and in just a few short weeks, they'll be consecrating their relationship. Why would Ushijima want to taint that?

Every bone in his body loves Tooru, and every bone in his body knows that that's never going to change.

When they part some time later to settle their breathing, foreheads still resting against each other, limbs entangled, Ushijima opens his mouth to apologize, to try to amend what he said earlier.

But Tooru's words crack whatever peace Ushijima was feeling. "You're not your father, you know."

Arms tighten around him before Ushijima can even think about pulling away. He stares down at Tooru, the smile gone and a serious expression on his face. Ushijima doesn't like it, but can't find himself able to pull away any further.

"You never met him," Ushijima manages to choke out. Tooru rolls his eyes.

"But I know you, remember? You're not him. That won't happen to us."

He says it so casually, like it's a well known fact. The smile he gives Ushijima is full of warmth, full of life. Like the sun is shining at him and giving him a new reason to live. He wants to bury his face in the sheets to hide his embarrassment, but can't tear his gaze away.

"You're everything to me," he finally says. He leans over to steal a quick kiss, but Tooru's fingers snake their way around Ushijima's neck and thread through his hair, trapping him. He pulls them closer to deepen the kiss. They dissolve together again, bodies twisting in the sheets to find better leverage, better enjoyment.

"I know," Tooru mumbles at one point. He licks a line up Ushijima's cheeks, and belatedly he realizes he's stopped crying. Tooru has rid all traces of his tears. "If I'm a king in your eyes, then you're my treasure, and I'm not gonna let anyone take what's precious to me. Not even that dumb imagination of yours."

For once Ushijima feels... weightless. A flower has blossomed and instead of staying attached to its roots, it floats on a breeze and drifts towards the heavens, surfing on clouds and wind currents since nothing can hold it in place anymore. He doesn't think he's ever felt so light before, and judging by the look Tooru is giving him, he understands how Ushijima is feeling.

For the third time, his eyes fill with tears, but a smile accompanies them. He wraps his arms around his sun and presses a kiss to his forehead, unsure on how he became so lucky. He knows this isn't the end of his doubt, of his guilt, but this is a moment he won't forget, a moment he won't let ruin any future progress for the both of them. He needs to be better, and he will be. 

"You are everything to me," Tooru whispers against the skin of his neck, "and so much more."

The teasing scoff slips out easily. "I know."

_Finally._

**Author's Note:**

> my bday gift to myself was writing this bc I needed crying ushi but also soft ushioi so I hope I did good. also I can check something off my super short Christmas [list](http://ushijimaenthusiast.tumblr.com/post/153195830428/christmas-wish-list-autistic-ushi-crying)
> 
> the idea of crying ushi is [ppyon's](http://rappyon.tumblr.com/) fault and just major credit goes to [mochhio](http://mochhio.tumblr.com/) for reading over the tidbits I sent her <3
> 
> anyways. so basic backstory is ushi's dad cheated on his mom when he was a kid and left and it's just messed ushi up ever since. ushioi have a p open relationship in this story (even tho it's not rly obvs maybs) so oi knows everything.
> 
> hmu on [tumblr](http://ushijimaenthusiast.tumblr.com) if u wanna talk about these two


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